Thursday, February 12, 2015

50 Synonyms for Baffled - My Review of the 50 Shades of Grey Movie

Due to the inability of '50 Shades of Grey' to hold my attention for more than 30 second intervals, I spent the entire movie playing word games in my head.  As 'baffled' was the feeling I was overwhelmed with for most of the movie I decided to see if I could list 50 synonyms for it to further describe my thoughts on the movie.

Confused.  Perplexed.  Mystified.  Bewildered.  Dumbfounded.  Befuddled.  Demented.  Flabbergasted.  Puzzled.  Astounded.  Rattled.  Shocked.  Aghast.  Floored.  Stupefied.  Stumped....  

Why baffled?  Well baffled may well be an understatement.  Let me start by admitting that I have read the books and yes I did find them erotic (although very poorly written).

I was so excited about this movie.  How on Earth did they get it so wrong???  More importantly - What the Hell is wrong with me that I LIKED the book in the first place??????

For starters Jamie Dornan's character in 'The Fall' (Paul Spector - a serial killer who stalks and strangles women) is a million times more likeable, endearing and attractive than his character, Christian Grey, in '50 Shades of Grey'.  I would go so far as to say that if those two characters were real life people, and I had to choose one to spend a weekend with on a deserted island, I would without a doubt pick Paul Spector in a heartbeat.

Does this mean I have a secret desire to spend a weekend with a serial killer?  NO!!  It means that Christian Grey was such an unlikeable character in the movie that I would rather be faced with potential strangulation than trapped with a controlling, obnoxious, smarmy assehole.

So much of this movie stumped me.  For starters there was no story line.  No main event. And no ending.

The much anticipated sex scenes were a total snooze fest.  Dakota Johnson spent most of the movie bound up naked, writhing around.  A couple of times you would see Jamie Dornan kiss her but the passion between them was non existent.  I felt quite awkward watching them together.  Kind of like I was watching something that was REALLY wrong.  Like a brother and sister together.  The number of times I grimaced and looked away during those scenes was uncountable.

I feel like the movie took the bad parts of the book, that I probably overlooked or dismissed (due to my interest in the colourful way the sex was described), and amplified them to the point that I feel like I need to remove the book from my house and burn it.

I previously scorned at my sister for suggesting a parallel between the relationship of Christian and Ana, with a peodophile  and his victim.  But the movie bought this parallel forward in a shocking and gruesome light.  I did feel like Ana's behaviour was extremely childlike.  Her demeanour, the way she dressed, her behaviour.... was much more like a 14 year old girl than a 20 something university graduate.

I also laughed at the notion that the 50 Shades of Grey book promotes domestic violence.  However, after watching the movie I completely understand that thought.  Christian Grey plays a controlling, dominant bastard who toys with the feelings of a vulnerable woman and receives pleasure for her pain (all the while buying her expensive gifts to make her feel like some kind of prostitute).

Over all I'm just confused.  Utterly baffled.  Don't waste your time seeing this movie.  There is nothing sexy at all about it and no storyline to speak of.  

All I have to say is THANK GOD I got a piece of popcorn stuck up the back of my tongue, as well as a piece in my tooth, as it gave me something to focus on during the movie & stopped me from wanting to gouge my own eyes out due to boredom (and also due to the fact that I don't want to see a brother and sister kiss).